… long time, no blog…
As you may have noticed, I have taken a long hiatus. My last post was my year-ender special where as I have reviewed thankfully did not promise to post more entries as a new year resolution, so I don’t really have to feel bad about that.
There seems to be plenty of reasons for me to have stopped writing, and it would be pointless to enumerate them. I have begun several drafts over the course of the year, but found myself unsatisfied with the result towards the middle. And even if I did finish an entry that seemed good enough, the mundane requirements of life would demand my outmost attention and such blog posts will be eventually find itself too stale to be even be nibbled at by the few readers that I have.
To be honest, one of the main reasons is that I seem to have lost confidence in my ability to write. One of the main reasons I started blogging is so that I can have a place to practice the only skill I know I can do well. Like a pianist who needs to keep their hands and fingers flexed and nimble, I wanted a way to keep at it and not lose touch. But I often found myself thinking whether this skill will still useful to me in the future?
There is also the fact that I seem to have lost any interest to write anything to write about, something I thought at least interesting. Thought of why anyone would be interested in reading about my life as a trailing spouse, darken my initiative to share my experiences.
Nevertheless, here I am again, up at 3 in the morning, making use of the quiet when my immediate proximity is asleep, collecting my thoughts and typing it down in the hopes someone would find it worthy of their time. Tonight I choose to be bold and leave my doubts asides, at the risk of sounding weird or sharing too much, this post I will publish, if at least to get the ball rolling again.
I thought about getting rid of the blog, chucking it out altogether. I thought it will be close to an entire year since I put something up, perhaps I have lost my right to be visible again. But I think about my previous posts, and the days and nights, I sat telling the invisible universe in the web of my life as a diplomat’s wife; and find myself losing to the sentimentality of it all, not wanting to throw away all those memories, both good and bad.
And so, here I go again… I’m not going to promise to be more prompt and regular in posting entries, all I’m saying now is that I’m not ready to give-it up yet.
Updates on how I am… Let me begin in saying how time flies, and yet it seems I have gone through an entire lifetime. In exactly eight months, JG’s first tour of duty will be ending and I will be coming back to home. I cannot even begin to write about all the things I have in mind about that, so I will leave it for another post. But I am in that phase when you feel something beginning its end. The funny thing about this is the afternoon I wrote my first entry while at post in my house in Libya is still fresh in my head, the feeling of nervous excitement as I looked forward to my life as young new bride, in a new place, my whole life ahead of me. Now my anxiousness is geared toward the slow and inevitable process of untangling myself to this life away abroad that I have gone used to.
Here in Muscat, I will definitely miss the quiet solitude I have come to enjoy, but is definitely looking forward to getting away from its punishing summer heat and coming home to the erratic tropical weather of Southeast Asia. Eight months is relatively quick here, but that is still about 243 days, around 5843.8 hours to go through.
In a more existential sense, I can definitely say I feel different. Different from who I was that afternoon in Libya when I posted my first post abroad, even different from the person who posted my last entry December last year. I guess it’s the turning 30, it really does make you notice that you are older. But for me it did not go BAM! and hit me straight on the forehead the second the clock ticked 12 on my birthday. It was instead, a gradual understanding in moments when you begin to analyze yourself, who you are, and how you handle things in everyday life, how you should handle yourself in life. It gave me a gentle poke each time I made a choice, a decision. The constant quiet nag deep in my thoughts whenever I prompted to release an emotion, be it anger, or cheer, whether or not such an opinion is worth sharing on facebook, whether or not anyone would care about what I think. Taking pause in considering the repercussions of each movement and action.
In assessment I can say that I generally like how I turned out to be as a grown-up. Considering what I went through in life, I am objective in surmising that I turned out okay. Granted I do have some reactions, suggestions, often violent reactions to some aspects, like in body and personality, perfection is not something I wish to achieve for me. Nevertheless, I believe there is always room for improvement.
I’ve also been doing a bit of exploring around this city I have been living in for the past almost four years, some I have been to before, some I am ashamed to say was a long-overdue visit. So here is to hoping to finally something to blog about. On the diplowife side of things, not much to report except for the routine stuff.
Somethings to look forward to…