This is a difficult post to write, I have been putting this off for months, but I think it’s time to let it out. If you have been following my blog you might remember last April I adopted a dog and called her Vice. I have written a couple of posts about her and promised to write some more about my quest to raise a puppy on my own. And if you have noticed, months have passed and I haven’t written about her; that is because a few months ago I gave her away.
I cannot convey the depths of how much it makes me sad for me to write about this, even more painful of the thought of what I did, giving up on her. The reason mostly was because I could not control her barking at night. That would be normal in dogs, in know, but Vice really gets at it, and since she’s a big dog she can get really loud. If we were in the Philippines that would not be a problem, but here, particularly in my neighborhood, my neighbors are not that keen on dogs. My former landlord did not want dogs mostly because he said they can get noisy. I remember I had to hide Vice every time he needed something in the house. When we moved to a new apartment, the new landlord said it was okay for us to have a dog, to which I promised would not cause any problems, but even him had to talk to me about Vice and her barking.
We have other neighbors who had dogs who also barked loudly, I suppose he can only tolerate too much so he asked if there was some way I can make Vice be a little bit quiet. What he did not know was that not only was I having trouble with Vice’s barking, she also had some aggressive streaks I have been trying to work out. I remember my feet had scratches all over and it got harder to control her since she was getting bigger and bigger. At the risk of stating too much, she was quite frankly starting to become a cause of some arguments between JG and me, it wasn’t her fault, it’s just when she decides to eat something she shouldn’t have like books, important papers, and or clothes, sometimes tempers flare especially on days when you’re both tired and having a bad day. I had also been having concerns about her health, I often find her shaking her head, which I found really weird, I took her to the vet and inquired about this but she said it was probably nothing (to which I still think to this day she did take better look at).
So when the landlord politely asked about her being noisy, JG and I decided that she was too much for us to handle, I was hesitant at first, I really really did not want to give up on her but it just became too much, especially since her aggressive streaks seem to not change at all. After further readings and consultations with friends who are more experienced with dogs, I later realized that I had in all honesty bit off more than I can chew. Plus the fact that I could not establish with her that I was the master so I guess I was not able to show her that I had the upper hand, I really think she knew that so she got less cooperative as time went by.
After some more talking, JG and I finally decided that it was time to let go. The groundskeeper at the embassy takes care of dogs and has a small space at the backyard, and said yes to take her in. Even through all this, I kept going back and forth through our decision, thinking if I had done the right thing. Days after we handed her over, I could not stop crying, feeling so bad about what I did. I have to say, that even though I knew I was driving JG crazy every time I told him I felt bad or every time I cried, he was really patient about it and just listened. It was after all my idea to adopt her, and I did promised him that I would do my best to raise her, but he never judged me, nor ever said I told you so.
One of the things JG told me was not be silly as if I was never going to see her again, he said I could always come and visit her at the embassy. To which I did, until one day when I came and was told that I could not play with her anymore, because when she gets excited she starts barking and nothing could stop her. Apparently her new caretaker was also getting complaints about how noisy she was. At that moment, I knew she was not mine anymore and that she was now at some else’s care.
Months later, JG came home, asked me to sit down, and said that he went to visit Vice but that she wasn’t there anymore. The man who took care of her later told us that she was really getting too noisy for the neighbors so they had to do something about it. I did not bother to ask what had happened to her, I’d rather think that she is with someone who can take better take care of her. With that thought hoping that it would give a small comfort to the guilt and sadness that I feel whenever I think about her.
Although I am much better now, I still cannot help but feel a bit sad whenever I see a dog on TV or anything that reminds me of Vice. If you’re not much into dogs, you probably think that I am making such a big deal of this, but hey, albeit short lived Vice and I had our moments and I miss her everyday. If you are into dogs, you would probably understand why this is such a sad thing for me, or worst hate me for how things turned out. To this I say, I will probably never forgive myself for this.
The best I can do now and look forward to seeing my dogs back home in the Philippines, and give them all the love I wasn’t able to give Little Vice.