I was supposed to post an entry about the food JG and I like to eat, but something came up. There’s a slight chance that I could be pregnant.
The cliché is that this is supposed to be great news for a newlywed like me. In ancient times it is a proud moment for a woman to be carrying her husband’s child. And even today, many women find fulfillment in motherhood. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing; it’s just that I don’t think that I’m ready to be a mother, at least not just yet.
I know JG and I should’ve been more careful and responsible if we didn’t want to have kids yet. Or you’d probably be thinking that I shouldn’t have gotten married in the first place, if I wasn’t prepared for that possibility. But I have my reasons.
And it isn’t just the financial concerns, although it’s crazy how expensive raising a child is these days. It is more of selfish reasons really. I’ve only started to enjoy my adulthood; I’m starting to buy things for me (and not feel guilty about it), I have only started to learn to cook, sew, and this weekend I’m going to be starting French classes.
But please don’t think so badly of me; I was raised by one of the wisest, most generous, self-sacrificing mother in the world and I always said that when I do become a mom, I’m going to raise my kids they way my Mom did me and my brother. And her technique is to basically put your children first. Yung kakainin na lang nya, bibigay pa nya sa’men. (Instead of eating something for herself, she’ll still give it to us). And I always believed that all mothers should be that way, and I can honestly say (ashamed as I am), that I am not prepared to be like that.
I’m not even good with children. I like them, I think they are adorable and I envy their innocence, and how worry free every day is. It’s fun to be a kid; I actually think I’m still one, sometimes. Unfortunately, kids don’t like me. I don’t believe in physical discipline, which is why I don’t spank my nieces/nephews/younger cousins when they’re being difficult; they probably know I don’t have the heart to hurt them, which is why most times – they spank me.
Another thing is that I don’t think that I have developed enough wisdom to raise a person. I don’t even think that I’m a complete person myself, let alone raise one. The line between right and wrong is still a little blurred to me; I sometimes have a problem with authority, and sometimes don’t have the discipline to floss every day. I am terrified that I may not be able to teach him or her, to help him or her make the best possible decisions, to accept losing, to be brave, to have empathy, to be a good person.
I have so many questions and what if’s in my head. Like what if my baby isn’t smart like JG? What if he/she grows up to be a brat? What if I do something wrong during pregnancy and my kid is born with 11 fingers? What if he or she doesn’t like me?
My Mom says that I shouldn’t stress myself out over this. She says that compared to other girls, also to her experience, I am lucky. I am happily married to a responsible man who loves me, and that we are both capable of supporting the basic needs of our child or children in the future. Which is exactly what I’m saying, I was hoping for a little more time to really secure a stable life for my would-be kids. It’s just all too sudden.
If I am pregnant, I will probably regret writing this, and would be really sorry if my baby would get to read it someday. I’m just hoping I will find the right way to explain to him or her that it is not that I don’t want to have him/her, I am just being honest. I want to be the best mother I can be, and right now, I’m just not sure if I’m up for the job.